I Can't Sleep! Again.

*You won't understand this, 'cause I barely do -_-

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This is freakin' insomniac type shit. Hella not good especially since it's STAR testing this week. Oh well, my score's gonna be the same either way. I never get the full eight hours of sleep unless it's the weekend. Psh.

Uhm yeah, I've been thinking..? & I've concluuuuded that I'm hella WEAK. Like mentally weak? Yeah, who says that.. But really though, "emotional instability" or sensitivity or whatever has got the best of me. As usual, I don't know why. I'm never content with things. I'll be hella happy one day, and the opposite the next. It's the small things that always cause me to stress, it needs to stop. "Just be strong." is what I keep hearing from people, and I'm trying! but nothing's happening. If anything, I'm supposed to be less vulnerable than I was a couple months back. That's not happening either. The smallest mistake I make will get blown up in my face and I won't be able to do anything besides sit here and cry over it. That's bullshit. What happened to not letting shit get to me? Woooow. Broke my new years resolution months ago. Hah. The thought of being a bad friend/girlfriend/daughter/PERSON keeps running through my mind. & I try to better myself, but flaws keep getting pointed out. Blahblahblah. Whatever.

All of that will change, soon. Hopefully.

Sometimes I wish I could go back a year. Yeah, on that reminiscing shit now. It seemed like I had everything going for me. I took advantage of that, and now it's all gone. I miss all of it and I want it back. I wasn't ready to let go of anyone. I'm still not. I'm still hoping to get it back to the way it used to be. That's most def NOT happening either. I fucked shit up. I didn't show that I cared. I didn't make an effort to keep in touch. I didn't do anything, really. I just waited for everything to settle down and fall into place, thinking that it'll all be okay. Didn't happen. Looking back, I'd hate me too..

My selfish ass just had to act on impulse without thinking of anyone else. Yeah, going with what you feel does seem like the right thing to do the majority of the time. But what about everyone else? What they feel about you doing what you want to do, will obviously cause YOU to think twice. Does that make sense? If only I thought about that before hand. I'll always blame other people at first, but in the end, I know I'm a big part of the problem. I need to start thinking ahead, or something.

It's not fair though. I'm tired of stressing over the past, the present, and the "what could have been". Am I the only one? Really. I can't not care about the things that used to be a huge part of my life. Whatever. It'll get better with time. I don't care how long it'll take, as long as it does get better, I'm all good. If not, then I'll live. Just not as happily.. -_- Hah.

Oh & don't get me wrong, I'm okay with where I am now. More than okay, actually. It's just that there's always something missing. & I'm just hoping for forgiveness.

It's 1:47 -_-
Goodnight.